Being Me - Bravely

Isaiah 43:19  "Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

Becoming authentic and being truly, simply me has taken more bravery than anything else I’ve been called to do.  I grew up being a people-pleaser, driven by the idea that if I could make other people happy, then they would love me.   The trouble with that notion was that it didn’t work.   I became a changeling – adapting, performing, flexing and contorting in so many ways that I really had no idea who I was.  What did I value?  What did I believe?  What were my gifts, desires, preferences, needs or dreams?   Who knew?  I didn’t, and neither did the people in my life.

Living to please as many people as possible led to a strange reality – from the outside, I appeared to be a confident, accomplished person who kept 17 plates spinning at a time without breaking a sweat.  I was a wife, mom, step-mom, student of the Bible, Sunday School teacher, leader in the choir, PTO President, school volunteer, keeper of a clean home and hostess of regular social gatherings.  On the inside, I was dying in isolation;  no one knew who I WAS . . . that is, what I thought, felt, feared, needed, dreamed of and desired – not even me.  The gap between my inside and my outside was like a chasm, and I had NO CLUE how wide it had grown.  I did my best not to acknowledge it, I avoided looking at it at all costs.  Looking at it would require me to do something about it, and I had no idea where to begin.  How could I stop being who everyone thought I was?  And if I stopped being this version of “me,” who would I be instead?

Seeing no way to change the course of the life that I had created, I bolted and plunged headlong into an affair.  My life collapsed around me, taking with it any illusions that people had of me as a “good” person.  Finding myself in a completely new state of being – with no one who was pleased with me, and therefore no one LEFT to try to please – I finally heard and saw the One being who was still present . . . God.  He said “It’s only, ever been about what I know about you, and what you know about you.  When everyone thought you were really something, I knew who you were, and I loved you completely.  And now that everyone thinks you are nothing, I still know who you are, and I love you completely.  Follow me, and I’ll show you how to move forward from here.”

He has shown me many things; most importantly, to be genuine and honest with Him at all times.  No ‘pretty’ prayers please – I tell Him exactly how I am feeling, what I am struggling with, and where I feel completely lost.  He answers with understanding, guidance and direction.  He continues to show me that real change happens on the inside first, where no one but He and I can see it . . . and sometimes even I can’t see it at first, so I have to trust Him, and keep following His lead.  He has shown me that I have wounds that need to be healed, but I have to let Him uncover them before He can cleanse and heal them.  I have to be brave enough to believe that I can look at them, feel all the sorrow and fear and pain they hold, and survive.  He’s shown me that not only will I survive, but I’ll actually begin to thrive.

Next, He’s shown me that I need to be genuine and honest with the people in my life.  I can’t say yes when I know that I need to say no.  I am not the answer to other’s problems.  Some of their needs are their responsibility to meet, not mine.  In healthy relationships love and care are given by both parties, not just by one.  And I need trustworthy girlfriends who will take this journey with me – as we are open and honest with each other, we bring our true selves out into the fresh air and sunlight of friendship, and we grow stronger at being authentic. 

Being authentically me requires bravery every day.  It takes bravery to risk showing my true self, since I may be rejected or misunderstood.  It takes bravery to admit when I am wrong, and ask for forgiveness.  It takes bravery to learn new things, since I may fail, or have to change in some way.  And I wouldn’t miss it for the world.  Rather than trying to “read” people, now I seek to know and understand them, and encourage them to stand up and be their best, true self too.  I’m learning, moment to moment, that He indeed never leaves me, always loves me, constantly leads me, and knows where He’s taking me.  That’s sweet.  And real.